What I Learned from Getting Divorced: On Perspectives, Roles, and Becoming Soul-Friends
June 17, 2026
For a long time, I thought the pain of getting divorced was about what he did. I was so certain that if I could just get the other person to see things differently, the hurt would stop.
But what I really learned: slowly, uncomfortably, and eventually with gratitude: was something much more personal: our perspectives become our reality. And I had been living inside mine without even knowing it.
The Roles We Slip Into When Getting Divorced
We fit into roles. Unconsciously. The helper, the one who holds it together, the one who gives more, the one who keeps score without realising it. In relationships, these roles calcify over time, and before long, we are not two people choosing each other: we are two people performing a script neither of them wrote consciously.
His feelings became my responsibility. My hurt became his fault. That dynamic did not start on the day things fell apart: it started long before, in the quiet accumulation of unconscious choices. Understanding why we keep repeating the same patterns is often where the real work begins.
What Changed When I Changed My Perspective
The shift was not dramatic. It came from three practices I had to build from scratch: taking time to recognise what my perspectives actually were, being open to seeing things differently, and being vulnerable enough to let those perspectives shift.
That last one is the hard one. Because it means admitting that the story you have been telling yourself: about what happened, about who was wrong, about what you deserve: might not be the whole truth.
When I could do that, something unexpected happened. We found each other again. Not as a couple. But as something richer: as soul-friends. Two people who had been through the fire together and came out the other side with genuine respect and care.
This Is Not Just About Romantic Relationships
The work I did through getting divorced changed how I show up in every relationship: with my son, with friends, with myself. When you stop looking outside for someone to blame and start getting curious about your own role in every dynamic, something fundamental shifts.
You stop being a passenger in your own story. You become the one who chooses.
Want to Go Deeper?
If you want to understand yourself more deeply and start seeing the patterns beneath your decisions, Beyond Your Type: The Enneagram is a good place to begin. It is available as a free PDF download or as a printed version for less than 10 euros on Amazon.
